Raising a Jewish child

Happy Friday from Paloma studios in Chinatown, where we are digitally awaiting our brilliant and thoughtful guest, who may or may not know what he’s getting himself into.

To sweeten your shabbas/t, we wanted to share a lovely email we received from a listener (we got permission, relax, and the names have been changed). It’s so beautifully written and really brightened our day, so we hope it will brighten yours.

If you ever want to reach out to us, you can email askajewpod@gmail.com

Hi Yael and Chaya Leah! My name is Sabrina, I am from Austin, TX, and I grew up with several reformed Jewish friends as a kid, but that did not prepare me for my life as a lapsed Catholic/Episcolpalian raising a Jewish step-son, Micah. I am embarrassingly late to podcasts. I started listening to my friend Sarah Hepola after our college reunion in April on 'Smoke 'Em If You've Got 'Em,' and paid attention when Nancy Rommelmann mentioned you. I am still trying to catch up with their podcast and I have been skipping around a bit listening to you two, but I started with the Passover episode and I found it fascinating. 

Micah was six when I got him and is now 17, and has been a very serious person from the very beginning. The first seven years or so that Micah and I were together were very difficult, his mother does not like me (she wouldn't have liked anyone) and he blamed his parents' divorce on me even though they had been divorced for three years before I came into the picture, and he already had a new little sister. When he moved into my house his mother simply asked me not to feed him pork, but a few months later he told me he had to eat Kosher, and before our first Passover (which I was only vaguely aware of) I discovered him in the pantry throwing away all of our cereal, crackers, bagels...chametz. A new word for me. (This email is getting way longer than I intended. I apologize.) 

Over the years his mother's influence on him has waned and we have found our own pace. We started reading the weekly Torah Parsha together on Saturdays on our weeks together, and our mutual interest in cooking has led to lots of planned meals over the 'Jerusalem' cookbook (as well as 'The Gaza Kitchen' --my father says I am being subversive, but listening to a small child say that all Palestinians are evil made me think that maybe I could show him that there is some common ground, and food is a wonderful place for that.) We finally started to bond over the years. 

Everyone is culpable in the fact that he does not really keep Kosher over here. We are just going through the motions. Obviously, I am not Jewish, so it's just like a thing we don't talk about. I don't know what his mom or his step-dad say when they are at Chabad. I have been there and sat on the women's side, silently, many times. Nobody asks me how I cook for Micah. 

Me and Micah’s turning point came right before Passover when he was twelve. He was staying with his mom for the whole year for the first time and he didn't want to, but couldn't say so--he poured tears while telling us that he needed/wanted to live with his mom while he prepared for his Bar Mitzvah (which was over a year away from this point. Micah and I were at the store and Passover was coming. He was going to be with us over one day, which was a big deal, and we turned onto the aisle with the kitchenware, and I had an idea. 

"Micah, should we buy some stuff to cook Kosher for Passover?" And he turned to me (he is a beautiful child, taller that me, black coffee-brown hair, unkempt no matter how hard he tries, deep brown eyes, so expressive, tan skin, but always-pink cheeks, a soft face) "Really?!" he asked, and grasped me in this tight hug, pulling me off the ground and spun me half around. It was our first real hug. I have never forced affection on him that I thought wouldn't be okay. Like with Kosher, I have always tried to respect him, when I have had lots of other people (parents) tell me 'what a bother, I wouldn't do that.' I have never viewed it that way with him. Anyhow, (should I add snow and train like Tolstoy? This is getting pretty long!) things were getting tense as we got closer to his Bar Mitzvah, which was at the Western Wall with all of his step dad’s family, who are lovely people, but it was a lot for Micah and I think he really wanted us there but was afraid that for some reason we wouldn't make it. But we did make it, of course, and I loved Jerusalem, the food was amazing, and I can't wait to go back and see more of Israel, and Micah and my husband and I all felt a surge of relief when it was over. 

Now things are better. Micah and I are very close, and I am sad to say that he is more and more distanced from his mom all the time. I never thought that his Judaism would be something that would bring he and I together, but it has. I really enjoy y'all's podcast. I enjoy getting to learn about Judaism, about the Torah, about the culture, about the few things that I already know that make me feel okay about how I am doing with Micah. My ex-boyfriend grandmother (who never actually met me) just referred to me as 'that little shiksa,' but maybe I'm doing better than she thought I would--and here's a word to add to the list of Yiddish words that get used in English or mostly NY! I love that list! Thank you for what you are doing, I may be the dot/cluster in central TX that is not Jewish, but I am listening,  and thank you for getting to the end of this email. I really didn't mean for it to be this loooong. Good night. -Sabrina

PS: I promise not to be too long! If y'all are aware of other situations like mine and Micah’s, and wanted to talk about it, I would love to hear it. Maybe it's where we live, but it feels unique to us. He's such a great kid; brilliant, deep, and so full of love and joy, and we have been through so much together.  I just love him so much, maybe that is what makes it all feel so special. Anyhow, I love everything y'all are doing and how funny, informative, and insightful you are. Keep it up! Thanks! -Sabrina